if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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