My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
