so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
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Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
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HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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