Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
