You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just want to make out with him forever
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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