Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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