yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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