Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
