We're like a lot better than the average bears
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
