I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
