That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
