Can i not drive my cunt home
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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