I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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