I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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