so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
