So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
