If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
