Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
