You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
