My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My feet surprised me
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
