Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
