i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
