so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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