how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
