everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I deserve this hangover.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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