whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
