gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
