I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize