Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
