i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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