There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
