some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
