I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
