I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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