I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
