Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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