I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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