Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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