I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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