naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
