he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
