Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
