You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we made out on top of his cat.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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