Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
did i just pee glitter
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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