Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm always down for nudity.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
