Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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