I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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