i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
