Moan for me like Helen Keller
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My balls are so social today.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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