We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
