shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
