Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?