is your mom at the bar?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals