The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.