woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
