May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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