u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
