She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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