i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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