Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
