your room smells of hookers.
And success
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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