I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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