You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
