Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
